took monday off, so i'm having a 3-day weekend. been fighting this fever/bug so i've pretty much in the bed watching movies and playing on the computer. also been watching my new tattoo heal. i think i'm done with the body modifications for now. nothing else meaningful to commemorate. plus i am running out of non-visible space.
been thinking a lot, which is bad, but i've been doing it anyway. gotta let some people go. gotta let a lot of things go. so i'm going to do exactly that. got to get some of these thoughts off my mind.
a lot of the stuff on my mind is truly random and i'm guessing that my ADHD levels are truly off the charts right now because i can't pay attention or focus on one thing to too long. that's probably why my mind always feels like it's racing.
so tomorrow i'm off work. going to finally get some work done on this new place. finish unpacking, put my clothes and shoes where they belong and finally get the rest of my shit out of the car! gotta make a few phone calls and pay a few bills. but by Tuesday, i should be well on my way to being settled... mentally and physically.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
new tattoo is on the horizon... eventually
as i cross over into a new point in my life, it means that i need to mark it appropriately. have the design, just need to debate placement: behind the ear, on the nape of my neck (just below the hairline), or on the front of my left shoulder. i'll debate it a little more. my mom will prolly kill me, but i'm past living or trying to live up to people's expectations of what i should be doing with my life and my body.
Monday, August 11, 2008
up late with too much on my mind...
currently listening to... Eric Benet, You're The Only One
i actually logged into MySpace tonight and started looking around at people's profiles (on my Friends list). it is truly amazing to see the number of people i went to high school and college with, who have settled into the adult life. i'm talking marriage and children. house in the suburbs, 2-car garage and a dog. me, i'm running as fast and as far away as i can from that reality. i assume that i'm not the type to sit back and slow down. i always have to be on-the-go and busy as a bee. it is safe to assume that a life with a family is nothing but busy, but just the thought... gets my mind racing and pictures of a suburbian prison with picket fences instead of iron bars, pops into my head. that's not a knock on those who chose that life, but i am just not ready to take those steps, and i might never be.
currently listening to... The Game feat/Travis Barker, Dope Boyz
stress is a killer! it raises your blood pressure, causes headaches and body aches and can cause you to feel like you are losing your mind. is it ever a wonder in some homicide cases, the detectives come to the conclusion that the suspect "just snapped" under extreme pressures from life and work? some people deal with it in predictable ways: exercise, alcohol, drugs. there is also religion, the written words and confiding in friends/seeking advice. i seek solace in music. what i am listening to at any given moment, usually reflects my mood. if it's loud and obnoxious... chances are, i'm pissed off. if you hear some slow jams... i'm probably feeling melancholy. if it's upbeat... i'm in a normal, happy, perky mood. but if you hear some Luther or the O'Jays... look out now, cuz i'm in a sensual mood and someone is about to GET DA BIZNESS!
currently listening to... Mario, Music For Love
when this song came on, immediately my mind flew to the bedroom. i'm not one of those women who hides the kind of person they are behind closed doors, but i'm not an open book either. my close friends and i have conversations about all types of topics from across the sexual spectrum and i'm usually on the receiving end of questions (from technique, props and opinions on people). i have no problem sharing the knowledge i acquired throughout my life, but not everyone is privy to the little minute details in my life. these conversations, i think, keep me and my friends from a sheltered existence and also helps us open our minds to things that are out there that we may have never considered.
currently listening to... Ne-Yo, Let's Just Be
is there someone out there for everyone? is everyone destined to find the "one true love of this life"? do people still actively look for the person that they are meant to be with, or do they just go with the flow and hope that fate matches them up? i don't have an opinion either way on this topic, but i am not one to "look". i believe that you can't spend your life searching for something when you have no idea what it is that you are looking for.
currently listening to... The Ting Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go
i actually logged into MySpace tonight and started looking around at people's profiles (on my Friends list). it is truly amazing to see the number of people i went to high school and college with, who have settled into the adult life. i'm talking marriage and children. house in the suburbs, 2-car garage and a dog. me, i'm running as fast and as far away as i can from that reality. i assume that i'm not the type to sit back and slow down. i always have to be on-the-go and busy as a bee. it is safe to assume that a life with a family is nothing but busy, but just the thought... gets my mind racing and pictures of a suburbian prison with picket fences instead of iron bars, pops into my head. that's not a knock on those who chose that life, but i am just not ready to take those steps, and i might never be.
currently listening to... The Game feat/Travis Barker, Dope Boyz
stress is a killer! it raises your blood pressure, causes headaches and body aches and can cause you to feel like you are losing your mind. is it ever a wonder in some homicide cases, the detectives come to the conclusion that the suspect "just snapped" under extreme pressures from life and work? some people deal with it in predictable ways: exercise, alcohol, drugs. there is also religion, the written words and confiding in friends/seeking advice. i seek solace in music. what i am listening to at any given moment, usually reflects my mood. if it's loud and obnoxious... chances are, i'm pissed off. if you hear some slow jams... i'm probably feeling melancholy. if it's upbeat... i'm in a normal, happy, perky mood. but if you hear some Luther or the O'Jays... look out now, cuz i'm in a sensual mood and someone is about to GET DA BIZNESS!
currently listening to... Mario, Music For Love
when this song came on, immediately my mind flew to the bedroom. i'm not one of those women who hides the kind of person they are behind closed doors, but i'm not an open book either. my close friends and i have conversations about all types of topics from across the sexual spectrum and i'm usually on the receiving end of questions (from technique, props and opinions on people). i have no problem sharing the knowledge i acquired throughout my life, but not everyone is privy to the little minute details in my life. these conversations, i think, keep me and my friends from a sheltered existence and also helps us open our minds to things that are out there that we may have never considered.
currently listening to... Ne-Yo, Let's Just Be
is there someone out there for everyone? is everyone destined to find the "one true love of this life"? do people still actively look for the person that they are meant to be with, or do they just go with the flow and hope that fate matches them up? i don't have an opinion either way on this topic, but i am not one to "look". i believe that you can't spend your life searching for something when you have no idea what it is that you are looking for.
currently listening to... The Ting Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go
Sunday, August 10, 2008
long, hard week ahead...
still haven't unpacked half of my apartment
lots of work to be done at the office. i even have to clean my desk :(
STILL have to unload stuff out of my car
need to focus on getting some restful sleep
no hard liquor this week
need to figure out what i'm getting my sister for her 20th birthday
must prepare myself for my family's long vacation to Guyana without me (i am going to be a mess without my mom)
my big sister is in Panama for the week, so i really have no one to turn to when i have a nutcase moment
...maybe i need to take a vacation...
lots of work to be done at the office. i even have to clean my desk :(
STILL have to unload stuff out of my car
need to focus on getting some restful sleep
no hard liquor this week
need to figure out what i'm getting my sister for her 20th birthday
must prepare myself for my family's long vacation to Guyana without me (i am going to be a mess without my mom)
my big sister is in Panama for the week, so i really have no one to turn to when i have a nutcase moment
...maybe i need to take a vacation...
Thursday, August 7, 2008
yes i am drunk and blogging...
had a knock down drag out tonight (well via phone). if i mis-spell anything, i'll blame it on the alcohol and the fact that i don't have automatic spell check activated on Blogger.
my brain and heart hurts. trying to explain the person i am and the way that i am to someone who spent enough time around me to know, is difficult. if someone i care about asks me to do something, i do it... to the letter. you say leave you alone, without specifications, i'll do that. it may hurt, yes, but i will do it. in my drunken madness, i may slip (like i did tonight). i am still human. but honestly, it hurts that you won't even look at me. i don't have an attitrude with you. if u want to see attitude, look at how i treated our former boss when i found out that she betrayed me. that is a true Torublemaker Attitude. i have done everything short of dropping to the floor in front of you and giving you my future first born, to show that i care about you and what you are going through. i want things to be how they were when we were both comfortable with each other.
right now, yes, i am drunk. but i speak the honest to God truth when i have a few+ drinks in my system. i miss your easy laughter at the words that come out of my mouth and my antics. i miss the way we were together, easy and comfortable. i miss how we could look at each other and know what each other was thinking. now... you won't even look at me. i know that one thing i said earlier, but i mean it. like i also said, if i was throwing you attidude, it is not what it seemed to be. being censored and punished at work is something that i have to deal with on my own. being in debt, and having my mom cuss me out on an everyday basis weeks, is also something that i have to deal with on my own. i have no one, for me to lean my head on their shoulder, and count on for support. so i have been handling, finsding an apartment, moving, and taking a "L" in personality, at work, on my own. i shouldn't have to explain all of this to anyone, but i feel this situation deserves an explantion or some background information. i feel you deserve that much. like i told you, i know that my troubles don't compare to yours. not even trying to equate the two. but i am still the same person i always have been i just have shit on my mind, while before the worst i had to deal with was a stalker ex-boyfriend.
i never meant to hurt you in anyway. i think i have told you this many times. i withdraw into myself when i am working something out in my head and i have no one to turn to. i don't have my 3 best friends here and they get so busy that sometimes i can't talk to them for a month or so. i don't have my mom or any other family i can run to for comfort. for a long time, i had my ex. he was my rock of a shoulder. then i had to let him go and i now i have no one.
then i fell into you. or found you, whatever you want to call it. you understood. we were there for each other. then, in a flash, you were gone. and i didn't have that hidden strength anymore. like i tell those close to me, as if they didn't already know; i am not a strong person. i am strong when it comes to other people when they need me. but when it comes to myself, i am the complete opposite. i am emotional and sometimes,a wreck.
it is hard to reconcile the two parts of me. i stopped trying years ago. now, i just want to live to survive the current day and maybe see the next. all this stress and frustration makes me doubt myself and the person that i am.
right now, this is only a portion of what i need to get off my chest. but as my friend E would say, "at least some of it is gone and forgotten".
my brain and heart hurts. trying to explain the person i am and the way that i am to someone who spent enough time around me to know, is difficult. if someone i care about asks me to do something, i do it... to the letter. you say leave you alone, without specifications, i'll do that. it may hurt, yes, but i will do it. in my drunken madness, i may slip (like i did tonight). i am still human. but honestly, it hurts that you won't even look at me. i don't have an attitrude with you. if u want to see attitude, look at how i treated our former boss when i found out that she betrayed me. that is a true Torublemaker Attitude. i have done everything short of dropping to the floor in front of you and giving you my future first born, to show that i care about you and what you are going through. i want things to be how they were when we were both comfortable with each other.
right now, yes, i am drunk. but i speak the honest to God truth when i have a few+ drinks in my system. i miss your easy laughter at the words that come out of my mouth and my antics. i miss the way we were together, easy and comfortable. i miss how we could look at each other and know what each other was thinking. now... you won't even look at me. i know that one thing i said earlier, but i mean it. like i also said, if i was throwing you attidude, it is not what it seemed to be. being censored and punished at work is something that i have to deal with on my own. being in debt, and having my mom cuss me out on an everyday basis weeks, is also something that i have to deal with on my own. i have no one, for me to lean my head on their shoulder, and count on for support. so i have been handling, finsding an apartment, moving, and taking a "L" in personality, at work, on my own. i shouldn't have to explain all of this to anyone, but i feel this situation deserves an explantion or some background information. i feel you deserve that much. like i told you, i know that my troubles don't compare to yours. not even trying to equate the two. but i am still the same person i always have been i just have shit on my mind, while before the worst i had to deal with was a stalker ex-boyfriend.
i never meant to hurt you in anyway. i think i have told you this many times. i withdraw into myself when i am working something out in my head and i have no one to turn to. i don't have my 3 best friends here and they get so busy that sometimes i can't talk to them for a month or so. i don't have my mom or any other family i can run to for comfort. for a long time, i had my ex. he was my rock of a shoulder. then i had to let him go and i now i have no one.
then i fell into you. or found you, whatever you want to call it. you understood. we were there for each other. then, in a flash, you were gone. and i didn't have that hidden strength anymore. like i tell those close to me, as if they didn't already know; i am not a strong person. i am strong when it comes to other people when they need me. but when it comes to myself, i am the complete opposite. i am emotional and sometimes,a wreck.
it is hard to reconcile the two parts of me. i stopped trying years ago. now, i just want to live to survive the current day and maybe see the next. all this stress and frustration makes me doubt myself and the person that i am.
right now, this is only a portion of what i need to get off my chest. but as my friend E would say, "at least some of it is gone and forgotten".
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
things that make me mad on an everyday basis...
-the Century Village (old people) that share the floor with my department. for many reasons.
1) why do they think it's appropriate to stand in front of the one microwave to have conversations? you are blocking the path to the coffee-maker and you're not even using the damned microwave! when i say excuse me, get the fuck out of the way. don't stare at me like i'm speaking Swahili or some other shit. I am about to put up a damned sign in the kitchen and hold mofos to that shit.
2) why do you feel the need to shush me and my coworkers on a daily basis? unlike your asses, we enjoy our jobs and have fun doing them. we are still young and still have lots of energy, so we don't want to pretend that we work in a library and have to fricking whisper every conversation we have with each other or our students.
3) when walking down the hallway, don't walk down the middle! we will treat the traffic areas the same way we do driving. keep to the fucking right and move along with the flow and speed of traffic! if one more damned old person cuts me off and moves at a pace slower than a snail, i swear i will run someone over. if you can't keep up, get the fuck out of my way (thanks Luda for the "move bitch" mentality!
-if one more person walks by my desk and asks me, "what do you guys do?" i am going to snap. since you are so involved with minding my damned business, read my fucking nameplate and tell me what it says. better yet, read it and keep that shit to yourself or pass the information along so another one of the retards doesn't ask me the same fucking question in about 15 minutes! we have been sharing the floor for 4 months now, so what you are basically telling me is that you haven't been paying attention or that your hearing aid volume is not turned up high enough and do me another favor, don't walk past me desk, back up and stare at me through the damned window. it is creepy and annoying. i am sure i'm not the first Negro you have seen that can speak proper english!
-please learn how to park between the little white lines! boy if i had my truck still, that shit wouldn't bother me. the bitch was paid off and i wouldn't mind a few "parking" scratches. plus my baby could take a licking and keep it moving. now, with the car, i have to drive to a whole different floor, to avoid your old asses who don't want to walk to the third floor. i'd better not find a fucking scratch on my car cuz you can't see over the steering wheel and don't know how to correct your parking mistakes without hitting something.
-the people who get all shocked and appalled when they find out that i smoke. yes i have to have my nicotine fixes. yes i know it's bad for my health. but since they won't let me drink on the job, i have to find another "work-appropriate" vice. if you don't like it, keep it to yourself or just don't speak to me. the day i find a stop smoking pamphlet on my desk, i'm going off.
that's all i can think of right now. i need a fix of nicotine before i go to bed.
1) why do they think it's appropriate to stand in front of the one microwave to have conversations? you are blocking the path to the coffee-maker and you're not even using the damned microwave! when i say excuse me, get the fuck out of the way. don't stare at me like i'm speaking Swahili or some other shit. I am about to put up a damned sign in the kitchen and hold mofos to that shit.
2) why do you feel the need to shush me and my coworkers on a daily basis? unlike your asses, we enjoy our jobs and have fun doing them. we are still young and still have lots of energy, so we don't want to pretend that we work in a library and have to fricking whisper every conversation we have with each other or our students.
3) when walking down the hallway, don't walk down the middle! we will treat the traffic areas the same way we do driving. keep to the fucking right and move along with the flow and speed of traffic! if one more damned old person cuts me off and moves at a pace slower than a snail, i swear i will run someone over. if you can't keep up, get the fuck out of my way (thanks Luda for the "move bitch" mentality!
-if one more person walks by my desk and asks me, "what do you guys do?" i am going to snap. since you are so involved with minding my damned business, read my fucking nameplate and tell me what it says. better yet, read it and keep that shit to yourself or pass the information along so another one of the retards doesn't ask me the same fucking question in about 15 minutes! we have been sharing the floor for 4 months now, so what you are basically telling me is that you haven't been paying attention or that your hearing aid volume is not turned up high enough and do me another favor, don't walk past me desk, back up and stare at me through the damned window. it is creepy and annoying. i am sure i'm not the first Negro you have seen that can speak proper english!
-please learn how to park between the little white lines! boy if i had my truck still, that shit wouldn't bother me. the bitch was paid off and i wouldn't mind a few "parking" scratches. plus my baby could take a licking and keep it moving. now, with the car, i have to drive to a whole different floor, to avoid your old asses who don't want to walk to the third floor. i'd better not find a fucking scratch on my car cuz you can't see over the steering wheel and don't know how to correct your parking mistakes without hitting something.
-the people who get all shocked and appalled when they find out that i smoke. yes i have to have my nicotine fixes. yes i know it's bad for my health. but since they won't let me drink on the job, i have to find another "work-appropriate" vice. if you don't like it, keep it to yourself or just don't speak to me. the day i find a stop smoking pamphlet on my desk, i'm going off.
that's all i can think of right now. i need a fix of nicotine before i go to bed.
how i'm feeling right now?
i can't put it into words, so i am gonna use what i know best... music.
sometimes i wish i could fly away
looking for a place to getaway
get away from all the heartache and pain
that life can bring
i really don't wanna sound
like i can't stand my ground
but everybody need some time
that they can getaway...
~Monica, Getaway
As long as I'm living
I'll be waiting
As long as I'm breathing
I'll be there
Whenever you call me
I'll be waiting
Whenever you need me
I'll be there
~Lenny Kravitz, I'll Be Waiting
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity
~Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own
I know what we have is dead and gone.
Too many times I made you cry.
And I don't mean to interupt your life.
I just wonder do I cross your mind?
~Ne-Yo, Do You?
for your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me and I’ll be right there
~Stevie Wonder, For Your Love
Tell me baby, did I push you away
Was I coming on to strong for you
Why can't you tell me, tell me what am I supposed to do
~Mary J. Blige, Changes I've Been Going Through
You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.
~Michael Buble, Everything
yeah... it's like that right about now. but i have resolved to move on, alone. there are other things i can be spending my time and energy on. least of all a man who continuously sucks me in and then makes me hurt all over again.
i know it's going to hurt, but i have to do it. for my sanity. for my health. and most of all, so my heart can heal and bewhole again.
sometimes i wish i could fly away
looking for a place to getaway
get away from all the heartache and pain
that life can bring
i really don't wanna sound
like i can't stand my ground
but everybody need some time
that they can getaway...
~Monica, Getaway
As long as I'm living
I'll be waiting
As long as I'm breathing
I'll be there
Whenever you call me
I'll be waiting
Whenever you need me
I'll be there
~Lenny Kravitz, I'll Be Waiting
I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity
~Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own
I know what we have is dead and gone.
Too many times I made you cry.
And I don't mean to interupt your life.
I just wonder do I cross your mind?
~Ne-Yo, Do You?
for your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me and I’ll be right there
~Stevie Wonder, For Your Love
Tell me baby, did I push you away
Was I coming on to strong for you
Why can't you tell me, tell me what am I supposed to do
~Mary J. Blige, Changes I've Been Going Through
You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.
~Michael Buble, Everything
yeah... it's like that right about now. but i have resolved to move on, alone. there are other things i can be spending my time and energy on. least of all a man who continuously sucks me in and then makes me hurt all over again.
i know it's going to hurt, but i have to do it. for my sanity. for my health. and most of all, so my heart can heal and bewhole again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)