thoughts...

every week, i go through the same cycling thoughts regarding my return to grad school and the choice i made to study Public Administration. it is a struggle, but one that i am learning to accept and grow from.

every week, i go to my classes and while i am having a tough time in one of them, the other two both encourage and enlighten me while bolstering my spirit.

the soundtrack of my life...

Sade - By Your Side.

over the past few weeks, i have struggled with my decision to return to the classroom as a student. i've dealt with the uneasiness at being a student again, the uncertainty of my future as i spend thousands of dollars and 2 years chasing yet another dream and a lack of confidence in the intelligence and "smarts" it took me years to cultivate.

as i negotiated with my inner-pessimist, helpful advice has floated in from those around me. my co-workers in the SEEK Tutoring Lab (especially Jennifer Ramos), the Academic Counselors that i work closely with and amazing friends like Xiomara Disla... all have played a part in getting and keeping me focused on the task at hand. thanks to everyone for the love and support.

I CAN DO THIS... I WILL DO THIS... I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST DAMNED STUDENT IN MY CLASSES... I WILL SUCCEED!

it is 3:26am...

and i am still awake. got a lot on my mind with this school business. i'm a worrier. in my head, there are so many things going on at once that i can't help but think, "what if...?" i've always been this way. it takes time for my brain to wind down from the get-up-and-go from each day.

i keep saying that time will make grad school easier but i'm beginning to doubt that. it's too much, too soon. i have no idea what it is to be a student anymore. i was so glad to have made it through undergrad without running away and screaming. how could i have possibly thought that i could do grad school? and do one of the hardest majors at my college?

all this, coming from me. i've been told countless times in my life that i am/was smart. i know that i am an intelligent person (no conceit) but maybe i'm just not cut out for the world of classrooms/books/papers/reports/projects anymore. i did struggle in undergrad, but i believe that it was because i got lazy. there were too many things i could focus on outside of the classrooms. now, the laziness has wormed it's way into the very fabric of my soul. it's a hard habit to break. just like my smoking (and, yes i am still working on that).

i need a good night's rest to be able to tackle my homework for next week. i might need a pep talk or two to go along with that. anyone?