i'm coming out...

yup. it's true.

i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II a few years ago. before that, i practically lived my entire life on the cusp of either severe manic or depressive episodes. my family and friends just chalked it up to me being moody, emotional and highly affected by surrounding events. it finally got to the point where the mania and depression would last for days at a time. they would switch back and forth so rapidly that i don't think i had any actual "normal" days anymore. people around me would comment on the mood swings as they were getting worse and i finally decided to step up and get help after having a meltdown at my office. i don't remember what sparked it, but what i do recall is sitting on the floor of the handicapped stall of the women's bathroom and crying uncontrollably.

i started seeing a therapist and after about 3 sessions, she recommended that i see a psychiatrist for further tests. i spent an entire day with him, during which i completed a multitude of tests and sat through many conference calls with my friends and family. as we finished up he finally said what i had been dreading... "you have Bipolar Disorder." i didn't know much about the disorder but i had automatically assumed that it meant that there was something seriously wrong with my brain and that i would have to be on a multitude of medications for the rest of my life and be confined to a facility so i would harm others. he explained that many people with the disorder live normal and sometimes extraordinary lives if they follow their prescribed treatment plans and take steps to minimize any external stressors/agitators.

since i was already taking an anti-depressant, he added in an anti-psychotic and a benzodiazepine for my frequent panic/anxiety attacks. seems like a lot, but the way he saw it was, along with my primary care physician, that my symptoms and individual disorders needed to be treated and that the medication could always be adjusted. they didn't want to run the risk of treating one and having the other throw everything off. it took a few months getting used to the prescriptions, but then everything fell apart... rapidly.

the rest of the story to come on another day. just writing that little bit was truly mentally exhausting.

thoughts...

every week, i go through the same cycling thoughts regarding my return to grad school and the choice i made to study Public Administration. it is a struggle, but one that i am learning to accept and grow from.

every week, i go to my classes and while i am having a tough time in one of them, the other two both encourage and enlighten me while bolstering my spirit.

loss and it's effects

a friend of mine from college, who i failed to keep in contact with, was killed on Friday night in Southern New Jersey. she was shot, point-blank range, in front of her apartment door.

even though we didn't stay in touch, her death still stings. she was a beautiful person, inside and out. it doesn't hurt as much as it would have 5 years ago, but being faced with the mortality of people in your age group makes my heart ache. so many times in college, we discussed growing older and what the future held for us. she had so many plans for her future and was possibly the most excited at the prospect of having a family of her own. now that ideal will never be realized. i do not know who was responsible for her death, but what i do know is that i wish that person an eternity in hell for taking her from this Earth.

the main thing that i have learned from Gina's death is that i need to keep my friends close. over the past few years, i have drifted away from my best friend in the world. we used to be each other's life and we both let new experiences, people and situations come between us. when we last saw each other, it was a awkward weekend. we are both different people than we were at age 22. it seems as if we switched personalities. she's the outgoing one and i'm the reserved one. in a brief discussion last night, we reaffirmed our mutual dedication to each other and promised to progress in our friendship and familial bond, as adults.

to do that, i acknowledge that i need to keep in contact with my friends and loved ones. i cannot afford to wall myself off from the people in my life. further, this means that i need to go back and re-evaluate my friendships. those that i cherished in the past... i must find a way to approach them and welcome them into my life again.

this will be a long process, but it is one that i am willing to undertake.

it's been a while...

Now I'm back to what I knew before you
Somehow the city doesn't look the same
Id give my life for one more night
Of having you here to hold me tight; oh, please
Take me there again.
~Richard Marx, Endless Summer Nights


is there just that "one" person for every person?
are we destined to have just one "true love of our life"?

i always thought that i had walked away from my "once in a lifetime" when i was 19, but it turn out that i had to wait until i was almost 27 to be with the one person that made me feel complete.
i've written about him before. when he kisses me, i felt tingles from head to toe. he made me feel safe and secure. i just knew that he would be there for me and he knew i was there for him. when it all came crashing down... i didn't know what to do, say or how to feel. almost a full year later, i still think about him. still feel the same way. but i am not naive enough to think that we will ever be together again. that doesn't mean that i have stopped caring about him. it's hard for an emotional person like me to just walk away completely. so every man, from now on, will unconsciously be judged by the yardstick of him. i hope that i am strong enough, mentally, to realize if/when the yardstick is not leading my heart in it's true direction.

the two songs quoted, are favorites of mine. whenever they come on, i ing along at the top of my lungs/ they usually bring me to tears, but i listen and groove along anyway. they seemed to fit the topic i chose as my re-entrance to the blog world. let me know how you feel on the subject and on the music.

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you.
I have a love for you that nothing hides.
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.
~PM Dawn, Looking Through Patient Eyes

copied from Facebook

25 Things About Me

took me a while to come up with these, so appreciate them... or else ;)

Here it goes..hope you learn something that you already didn't know.


1. i have the same birthday as Mike Tyson and the late Eartha Kitt (June 30).

2. i am exactly 5 feet tall, even though people swear i'm shorter than that.

3. i read a lot of books. i mean a LOT of books!

4. i hate buying bras, even though i absolutely need them.

5. i have a sick fascination with crime television shows.

6.i have a nasty temper and it has let to mini-downfalls over the last 27 years.

7. i am deathly allergic to shellfish.

8. i am not one for giving people second chances. if you fail me, you are pretty much done.

9. i am a sucker for a tall, chocolate man with a beautiful smile.

10. when i was younger, my dream was to be a high powered attorney who would dismantle people on the stand.

11. i am planning to going to Law School in the fall. just need to take the LSAT.

12. i have a thing for shoes. when i had a job, i spent a fortune on heels.

13. i drink lots of bottled water. it's actually a bit disturbing.

14. i am an emotional wreck 75% of the time. have no idea why.

15. when i was in middle school, i was 100% sure i was going to marry John Starks (his wife and kids be damned).

16. i am still suffering from the grief of losing 2 of the most important people in my life (my baby brother and my maternal grandma).

17. i am terrified of flying. i have to be drugged up or intoxicated to make it through a flight.

18. one of my prized possessions is a ceramic horse from my late maternal grandfather's office.

19. my favorite scent is Jasmine.

20. i have 7 tattoos.

21. i love Tyler Perry's plays that feature Madea.

22. i love my cousins. the younger ones are like baby brothers and sisters and the older ones are my inspiration. they are truly the loves of my life and what has kept me sane (well as much as possible).

23. i like shiny things. i'm like the baby who gets distracted by keys, wrapping paper or ribbons.

24. one of my favorite places in the world is the Kissing Bridge in the Botanical Gardens in Georgetown, Guyana. I even have a painting of the scene, done by a local artist.

25. Etta James' voice makes me cry.

I've been a bad girl!

i haven't been blogging, or as i tell myself... letting shit go! i have been through hell and back and pretty much did the repeat thing over the last 6 months with the last 2 being the worst. now that i am at rock-bottom, i am trying to build myself back up again.

only one little problem... i'm still not healthy enough to tackle the world :( lungs still not 100%, pressure wants to be acting all stupid and of course the ensuing migraines are kicking my ass. i keep promising myself that one day i will have all parts functioning and my brain will be firing on all cylinders, but it's a struggle now and will continue to be one for a little while.

right now, my life consists of: waking up, making my Cafe Bustelo, reading, napping, eating, and more napping and reading. i am occasionally enjoying my Christmas present (my brand new 32 inch flat screen HDTV) and since my old reliable fizzled out back in early October, it's a simple pleasure, but it is one that makes my face light up with JOY!

i made a promise to myself for 2009 (no resolutions here) to take nothing for granted. i have been asthma-free for so long that when i was robbed of the simple act of taking a breath and having it fill my lungs, i almost died because i had no clue on how to react anymore. i took breathing for granted! spent 4 "lovely" days cooped up in the hospital, while accumulating a hefty bill (private Catholic hospital) and that's when i realized that i am not where i wanted/expected/needed to be at this point in my life. i don't feel like i have accomplished anything or made enough strides in this life of mine. i have been on this earth for just over a quarter of a century, and sometimes i find myself thinking that i have wasted all these years.

i grew up with expectations heaped upon my shoulders (silently and subliminally) but they were there. i know that all my parents want me to be is happy and a well-adjusted adult, but i can't help the sneaky thoughts from creeping into my consciousness sometimes. the thought that i have failed the most important people in my life, is overwhelming but most of the times, i can make it disappear into the blackness.

it is the times that i can't make the thoughts go away that scares me. in my moments of frailty, i can see myself doing something drastic and stupid. and that is what i fear the most. that probably led to the second promise that i made to myself: live my life, do what makes me happy, but most of all...do something valuable with my life.

where my mind is at now...

so i've slowly been vetting all the negativity (people and situations) out of my life. this includes other people's problems and those folk that make me uncomfortable or just not happy on a consistent basis. results? i feel a whole lot better. i guess years of absorbing other peoples' shit finally got to me and i snapped. when i say snapped, i mean nervous breakdown territory. crying, shaking, ranting and raving! now, i'm calmer, a lil bit more focused and taking care of me. i made a resolution to myself to only look out for those who look out for me. so a lot of people got left to the wayside, and that includes family.

i realized that when you are truly down at the bottom of the barrel, the ones that step up are the ones you can count on and those are the ones who DESERVE to be a part of your life. those who you have to continuously give second and umpteenth chances to... they need to step to the back of the line. some people may think that my actions are drastic, but honestly i don't fucking care.

not many people knew the depth of the issues i was going through. i had financial issues, safety issues, and family issues. i was at a point where i seriously considered taking my own life. but my mom's face was always in the front of my mind and i couldn't bare saddling her with the fact that she outlived her oldest child. that is honestly the only reason i never followed through with the thoughts i was considering.

now i could care less what people think of me and my actions. i'm finally focusing on me and the things that matter to me. now my only obstacle is letting go of the grief that has been in my heart for about 24 years and has been building since then. i am not one to show emotions publicly and i tend to box everything up and push it to the back of my head somewhere. it will be a process, but it's one that i am anticipating. it's a challenge that will make me a stronger person, mentally. it will also help me to open my heart again, totally.

long, quiet weekend

took monday off, so i'm having a 3-day weekend. been fighting this fever/bug so i've pretty much in the bed watching movies and playing on the computer. also been watching my new tattoo heal. i think i'm done with the body modifications for now. nothing else meaningful to commemorate. plus i am running out of non-visible space.

been thinking a lot, which is bad, but i've been doing it anyway. gotta let some people go. gotta let a lot of things go. so i'm going to do exactly that. got to get some of these thoughts off my mind.

a lot of the stuff on my mind is truly random and i'm guessing that my ADHD levels are truly off the charts right now because i can't pay attention or focus on one thing to too long. that's probably why my mind always feels like it's racing.

so tomorrow i'm off work. going to finally get some work done on this new place. finish unpacking, put my clothes and shoes where they belong and finally get the rest of my shit out of the car! gotta make a few phone calls and pay a few bills. but by Tuesday, i should be well on my way to being settled... mentally and physically.

yes i am drunk and blogging...

had a knock down drag out tonight (well via phone). if i mis-spell anything, i'll blame it on the alcohol and the fact that i don't have automatic spell check activated on Blogger.

my brain and heart hurts. trying to explain the person i am and the way that i am to someone who spent enough time around me to know, is difficult. if someone i care about asks me to do something, i do it... to the letter. you say leave you alone, without specifications, i'll do that. it may hurt, yes, but i will do it. in my drunken madness, i may slip (like i did tonight). i am still human. but honestly, it hurts that you won't even look at me. i don't have an attitrude with you. if u want to see attitude, look at how i treated our former boss when i found out that she betrayed me. that is a true Torublemaker Attitude. i have done everything short of dropping to the floor in front of you and giving you my future first born, to show that i care about you and what you are going through. i want things to be how they were when we were both comfortable with each other.

right now, yes, i am drunk. but i speak the honest to God truth when i have a few+ drinks in my system. i miss your easy laughter at the words that come out of my mouth and my antics. i miss the way we were together, easy and comfortable. i miss how we could look at each other and know what each other was thinking. now... you won't even look at me. i know that one thing i said earlier, but i mean it. like i also said, if i was throwing you attidude, it is not what it seemed to be. being censored and punished at work is something that i have to deal with on my own. being in debt, and having my mom cuss me out on an everyday basis weeks, is also something that i have to deal with on my own. i have no one, for me to lean my head on their shoulder, and count on for support. so i have been handling, finsding an apartment, moving, and taking a "L" in personality, at work, on my own. i shouldn't have to explain all of this to anyone, but i feel this situation deserves an explantion or some background information. i feel you deserve that much. like i told you, i know that my troubles don't compare to yours. not even trying to equate the two. but i am still the same person i always have been i just have shit on my mind, while before the worst i had to deal with was a stalker ex-boyfriend.

i never meant to hurt you in anyway. i think i have told you this many times. i withdraw into myself when i am working something out in my head and i have no one to turn to. i don't have my 3 best friends here and they get so busy that sometimes i can't talk to them for a month or so. i don't have my mom or any other family i can run to for comfort. for a long time, i had my ex. he was my rock of a shoulder. then i had to let him go and i now i have no one.

then i fell into you. or found you, whatever you want to call it. you understood. we were there for each other. then, in a flash, you were gone. and i didn't have that hidden strength anymore. like i tell those close to me, as if they didn't already know; i am not a strong person. i am strong when it comes to other people when they need me. but when it comes to myself, i am the complete opposite. i am emotional and sometimes,a wreck.

it is hard to reconcile the two parts of me. i stopped trying years ago. now, i just want to live to survive the current day and maybe see the next. all this stress and frustration makes me doubt myself and the person that i am.

right now, this is only a portion of what i need to get off my chest. but as my friend E would say, "at least some of it is gone and forgotten".

how i'm feeling right now?

i can't put it into words, so i am gonna use what i know best... music.

sometimes i wish i could fly away
looking for a place to getaway
get away from all the heartache and pain
that life can bring
i really don't wanna sound
like i can't stand my ground
but everybody need some time
that they can getaway...
~Monica, Getaway

As long as I'm living
I'll be waiting
As long as I'm breathing
I'll be there
Whenever you call me
I'll be waiting
Whenever you need me
I'll be there
~Lenny Kravitz, I'll Be Waiting

I knew I hadn't met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don't know why I got so attached,
It's my responsibility,
And you don't owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity
~Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own

I know what we have is dead and gone.
Too many times I made you cry.
And I don't mean to interupt your life.
I just wonder do I cross your mind?
~Ne-Yo, Do You?

for your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me and I’ll be right there
~Stevie Wonder, For Your Love

Tell me baby, did I push you away
Was I coming on to strong for you
Why can't you tell me, tell me what am I supposed to do
~Mary J. Blige, Changes I've Been Going Through

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.
~Michael Buble, Everything

yeah... it's like that right about now. but i have resolved to move on, alone. there are other things i can be spending my time and energy on. least of all a man who continuously sucks me in and then makes me hurt all over again.

i know it's going to hurt, but i have to do it. for my sanity. for my health. and most of all, so my heart can heal and bewhole again.

so i've been off my meds for about a week...

and i've been having the most random thoughts spill into my mind.

-why do people sing out-loud when they know that their voice really SUCKS? and yet still... they keep subjecting us (their unsuspecting audience, at work no less) to their vocal stylings. I have no damned control over what i say or do sometimes, so i'm trying my damnedest to not tell this chick to STFU! and just be the fuck quiet!

-why does a cold pickle taste so good after eating a patty melt? i may be a bit on the funky breath side, but who the fuck am i kissing, honestly?

-why do people choose to drive on I95, after 9:00pm with their freaking lights off? and then honk and cuss at you when you make every manuever possible to get in front of said idiot so that they won't KILL you on the highway?

-i'm so tempted to eat this little itty bitty carton of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream KNOWING that I am lactose intolerant. but fuck it, i'm gonna do it anyway. if i puke, i can hold it til i get home.

-sometimes i really feel like bringing a handgun to work for all the people who piss me off. i won't shoot anyone, but i would take extreme pleasure in pointing to them with it and cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West.

-my cousins are all going to be in Toronto this weekend, enjoying Caribana without me :( my fault, for being an intellectual midget and not taking care of business, but there will be lots of pictures to make me laugh this weekend.

-today is Wednesday and I feel like the Snoopy on my Typical Work Week Calendar. He is layin down on his stomach and begging to just let him die with a HUGE thunder cloud over him with lightning bolts coming out.

-i really don't like children. unless they are well behaved with only minimal bouts of madness and tantrums. if they are monstrous brats all the times, i feel like hanging them upside down by their ankles over a 10 story balcony and shaking the shit out of them.

i realize that most of these thoughts may be a bit violent and i can only preface that by saying that i have been remiss with keeping up with my drug doses and hopefully by tomorrow, i'll be on more solid ground, hopefully.

Confession and Apology

I've been listening to the Keith Sweat radio show a lot recently, and The Sweat Hotel's Confession Hour and The Apology Hour last night, got me to thinking. I do need to get somethings off my chest but calling into a nationally-syndicated radio show just isn't the thing for me to do.

My confession is that I want another woman's man. They weren't together when we hooked up and got to know each other better. But as everyone knows, well everyone who is privy to the situation, he went back to her for various reasons. For sometime, I thought that I had done something to chase him back to a situation he did not enjoy being in, but a conversation we had, changed all that. He just made the best choice for him or he did what he thought was best. I am not going to lie, I was hurt. I was fresh out of a long term relationship when I hooked up with him so being left alone, just felt like yet another roadblock to happiness. Seeing him, hurts. Watching him smile and laugh...takes me back to when things were fun and simple. There was a point where we had the talk...you know the one where I say that, “I don't care what you have going on, I'm here if you need me... for anything”. Yes, I offered myself up on a platter. I wasn't ashamed at the time, but seemingly being rejected does funny things to your mind. I've never been rejected before. I always get what I want and yes I know that there is a first time for everything, but I never expected to see open longing in a man's face and have him push those feelings aside. Do I still want him? The answer is unequivocally, yes. I care about him, the person, so much. I worry about him and I wonder what he's doing when I am not near him. Maybe this is something that I will eventually get over, but right now, it doesn't feel that way. It's eating me away on the inside that I felt the kind of happiness that people talk about, for such a short time, and it slipped out of my grasp so suddenly.

The apology, well that is a little bit more difficult. I apologize to him for doing everything possible to bring him back to me. I apologize for testing his relationship and his commitment. Most of all, I apologize to myself for behaving in a manner that is unbecoming of a lady (which I am trying my best to be). I acted like a street rat who didn't care about anyone but herself and conveniently ignored the feelings and thoughts of the other people involved. I behaved in a manner that I despise in other women and it is unacceptable. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that if he had relented, I would have been the catalyst in causing another person pain and suffering.

I resolve to let go. Let go of him, my feelings and any thoughts of us having a future together. I need some time to myself; to re-evaluate what I want out of this life. I need to get myself on the right track and hopefully by bringing my mistakes to light, I have taken the correct first steps.

thoughts

yo i really can't get this dude off my mind. i think about him all the time. it's captivating how much i care about him, considering i couldn't stand him when we first met. but in the time we spent together, i got to know him, i felt a connection. it's like i know what he's gonna do/say/think before he does. but of course, anything that i want in this life... i can't have. he's got BM issues and me... well i can't deal with that shit again. my mind of course, the logical part of me, says to just leave it alone. but my heart is saying the opposite. i let him know that i'm thinking about him and that i still want him, but he has to handle his issues. i'm trying to avoid being that hood bitch who gets in the middle of anyone's family situation. but the attraction is there. i'm not saying he's the man of my dreams, but i haven't felt this infatuated with anyone in a very long time, prolly since my first real boyfriend, so it's hitting me real hard right now.

Can't Get You Off My Mind

"I've got a pocket full of money
And a pocket full of keys that have no bounds
But then I think of loving
And I just cant get you off of my mind."
~Lenny Kravitz, "I Can't Get You Off My Mind"

You ever have one of those relationships... you know the one that stays with you forever? The one that defines the rest of your interactions with the opposite sex for the rest of your natural life? It boggles my mind that one person can affect you in so many ways. I have had both positive and negative relationships with men that has stayed with me over the years.

The negative first...
He was my first "adult" relationship. I was a freshman in college and infatuated with the star basketball player and the Kappa Alpha Psi Chapter President (simultaneously). He was the ex-teammate and close friend who laughed at my schoolgirl crushes. We hooked up and begun a relationship that was at best, turbulent. He cheated the entire time (with nothing but oogly girls) but still came home to me. Of course, it took me a good 5 months to find out. I stayed, out of love, but finally I had to leave. It is becasue of him, that I trust no man. He slept in the same bed with me for almost a year and still found the time and inclination to be with other females and felt he was doing nothing wrong. Apparently hurting my feelings and breaking my young heart was "nothing bad".

The positive...
He was the man that followed that disastrous relationship. Another friend, who went to a ddifferent college, but he was there for me through my heartbreak. I was attracted to him from day 1. I mean, who wouldn't be? He was chocolate brown, tall, dark, handsome and muscular. He was also sweet, caring, smart and insightful when needed. Amazing, huh? He was also 4 years older than I was and almost done with his Graduate Degree. I remember on one visit to see him, he introduced me to his friends, his teammates, and anyone we encountered. I was his "girlfriend" and the "love of his life". It seemed as if everyone knew about me. Apparently, he talked about me all the time. I smiled, laughed and blushed my way through the long weekend. Of course, there were the ones who came before me who still weren't ready to accept that he was no longer available. There were "confrontations" and he was by my side everytime. We eventually broke up a little while after he graduated, because I was still in school and partying was a way of life for me, and he was over the college life at that point. It broke my heart to let h im go. I think of him often. We are still friends, and catch up often. I tell peopel who knew us together, that he is my "Prototype". Everyone that came after him has been of the same mold, or close enough to it.

Negative and Positive... both were early on in my relationship history but still have a resounding effect in the way I view men in general. Which is the way it should be. I tell all my friends, that every relationship/situation/hook-up should be a learning experience. They should teach us not to make the same mistakes and what to look out for in a potential mate. My mistakes should not be your mistakes.

6 things about ME!

I have issues. This is a running joke, but it’s kind of true. I hate enclosed spaces for long periods of time. I have panic/anxiety attacks. I tend to freak out when I am overwhelmed. I can get real quiet when something is on my mind, but that just means that I need some time to figure things out… it doesn’t mean, “let’s harass Melissa until she tells us what’s wrong”. I do have a bit of a self esteem-problem, but what non-size-2 through 6 female hasn’t at one point or another.

I have a Napoleonic Complex. I have been a short person all my life. My entire family, on both sides, is short. I have always wanted to be tall but it wasn’t in the cards. My goal for my children, if I have them, is for them to be tall. I intend to breed with a tall individual whose family genes will override mine. If you see me with a short man, smack me.

I am the nicest person you may probably ever meet in this life, next to somebody’s momma of course. I just play tough, I swear. I am the kind of person that bends over backwards for the people in my life. I take care of people. It may be seen as a fault to many, but to me it’s natural. It must be the mothering side of my Zodiac. I’m the problem-solver/fixer, the back-rubber, the hug-giver… whatever, you get the point.

I can be the nastiest person you will ever meet in this life (I’m working on that side of me – work in progress). If by some chance you piss me off, I’m not nice anymore. I used to be a real spiteful b**** but I think I have grown past that and although it threatens to come to the surface sometimes, I can usually control it. I don’t haul off and cuss people out anymore, except on the highways. I give a mean side-eye and occasionally a side-mouth when warranted.

I am a lover, not a fighter. I have a loud voice and I use it often. People hear that and the Brooklyn-girl attitude and assume that I am a bad-a$$. I’m not saying I’m not, but I try to behave myself on an everyday basis. It takes a lot to make me lose my cool where I just want to haul off and smack somebody, which I haven’t done in a long time. I love hugs and kisses. I try to resolve situations through peaceful means first. Don’t get it twisted, I will put it down if need be, but I’m grown enough to get locked up and have the key thrown away and most of my friends don’t have enough money to get me out on bail after a murder charge.

I am addicted to cute things. I spend a LOT of money in the discount aisle at Target. I have a collection of multipurpose greeting cards, note-cards, envelopes and stationary at my desk. I have pens and markers in every imaginable color in my desk drawer. I collect cute stuffed animals, and have some on my shelf here at work. I actively use crayons. I have a Happy Bunny Calendar, socks and t-shirts. I have a piggy bang that is shaped like a monkey’s head. All those are in addition to the Fortune Cookie 8-ball and the action figures.

back in the saddle...

so i took some time off blogging. mostly because i didn't have time and then because my apartment got broken into and my computer was stolen (hmm, yeah, my life sucked some major donkey balls for a minute there). and just when i think i had everything back on track... everything falls apart, AGAIN.

so in 2008, i will continue rebuilding my life. i need to get myself to a place where i feel safe and secure. i need financial and mental stability. i am at a point where i think i can achieve that. all i need is to put in the hard work.

so blogging will keep me sane. i will talk about the funny, insane and mundane things in my life and also the happenings in the world around me. i may rant and rave at some points, but the rebulding process will be partially focused on keeping those moments to a minimum. i will discuss music (since it is a driving factor in my life) and if it gives you ideas as to what is new and great out there, then i am glad to be of some help.

this is mostly theraputic and for my entertainment only. if anyone gets a kick out of it, then by all means, continue reading :)