i'm coming out...

yup. it's true.

i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II a few years ago. before that, i practically lived my entire life on the cusp of either severe manic or depressive episodes. my family and friends just chalked it up to me being moody, emotional and highly affected by surrounding events. it finally got to the point where the mania and depression would last for days at a time. they would switch back and forth so rapidly that i don't think i had any actual "normal" days anymore. people around me would comment on the mood swings as they were getting worse and i finally decided to step up and get help after having a meltdown at my office. i don't remember what sparked it, but what i do recall is sitting on the floor of the handicapped stall of the women's bathroom and crying uncontrollably.

i started seeing a therapist and after about 3 sessions, she recommended that i see a psychiatrist for further tests. i spent an entire day with him, during which i completed a multitude of tests and sat through many conference calls with my friends and family. as we finished up he finally said what i had been dreading... "you have Bipolar Disorder." i didn't know much about the disorder but i had automatically assumed that it meant that there was something seriously wrong with my brain and that i would have to be on a multitude of medications for the rest of my life and be confined to a facility so i would harm others. he explained that many people with the disorder live normal and sometimes extraordinary lives if they follow their prescribed treatment plans and take steps to minimize any external stressors/agitators.

since i was already taking an anti-depressant, he added in an anti-psychotic and a benzodiazepine for my frequent panic/anxiety attacks. seems like a lot, but the way he saw it was, along with my primary care physician, that my symptoms and individual disorders needed to be treated and that the medication could always be adjusted. they didn't want to run the risk of treating one and having the other throw everything off. it took a few months getting used to the prescriptions, but then everything fell apart... rapidly.

the rest of the story to come on another day. just writing that little bit was truly mentally exhausting.

Saying Goodbye...

R.I.P. Uncle Ulric you will be missed.

man the older generations of my family are fragile.

working on looking after them and myself.

it's taking all i have.

"The Final Flight"

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free,
I’m following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard his call,
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I’ve found that peace at the close of the day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch,

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free.

~Unknown

it's been a while...

Now I'm back to what I knew before you
Somehow the city doesn't look the same
Id give my life for one more night
Of having you here to hold me tight; oh, please
Take me there again.
~Richard Marx, Endless Summer Nights


is there just that "one" person for every person?
are we destined to have just one "true love of our life"?

i always thought that i had walked away from my "once in a lifetime" when i was 19, but it turn out that i had to wait until i was almost 27 to be with the one person that made me feel complete.
i've written about him before. when he kisses me, i felt tingles from head to toe. he made me feel safe and secure. i just knew that he would be there for me and he knew i was there for him. when it all came crashing down... i didn't know what to do, say or how to feel. almost a full year later, i still think about him. still feel the same way. but i am not naive enough to think that we will ever be together again. that doesn't mean that i have stopped caring about him. it's hard for an emotional person like me to just walk away completely. so every man, from now on, will unconsciously be judged by the yardstick of him. i hope that i am strong enough, mentally, to realize if/when the yardstick is not leading my heart in it's true direction.

the two songs quoted, are favorites of mine. whenever they come on, i ing along at the top of my lungs/ they usually bring me to tears, but i listen and groove along anyway. they seemed to fit the topic i chose as my re-entrance to the blog world. let me know how you feel on the subject and on the music.

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you.
I have a love for you that nothing hides.
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.
~PM Dawn, Looking Through Patient Eyes

up late with too much on my mind...

currently listening to... Eric Benet, You're The Only One
i actually logged into MySpace tonight and started looking around at people's profiles (on my Friends list). it is truly amazing to see the number of people i went to high school and college with, who have settled into the adult life. i'm talking marriage and children. house in the suburbs, 2-car garage and a dog. me, i'm running as fast and as far away as i can from that reality. i assume that i'm not the type to sit back and slow down. i always have to be on-the-go and busy as a bee. it is safe to assume that a life with a family is nothing but busy, but just the thought... gets my mind racing and pictures of a suburbian prison with picket fences instead of iron bars, pops into my head. that's not a knock on those who chose that life, but i am just not ready to take those steps, and i might never be.

currently listening to... The Game feat/Travis Barker, Dope Boyz
stress is a killer! it raises your blood pressure, causes headaches and body aches and can cause you to feel like you are losing your mind. is it ever a wonder in some homicide cases, the detectives come to the conclusion that the suspect "just snapped" under extreme pressures from life and work? some people deal with it in predictable ways: exercise, alcohol, drugs. there is also religion, the written words and confiding in friends/seeking advice. i seek solace in music. what i am listening to at any given moment, usually reflects my mood. if it's loud and obnoxious... chances are, i'm pissed off. if you hear some slow jams... i'm probably feeling melancholy. if it's upbeat... i'm in a normal, happy, perky mood. but if you hear some Luther or the O'Jays... look out now, cuz i'm in a sensual mood and someone is about to GET DA BIZNESS!

currently listening to... Mario, Music For Love
when this song came on, immediately my mind flew to the bedroom. i'm not one of those women who hides the kind of person they are behind closed doors, but i'm not an open book either. my close friends and i have conversations about all types of topics from across the sexual spectrum and i'm usually on the receiving end of questions (from technique, props and opinions on people). i have no problem sharing the knowledge i acquired throughout my life, but not everyone is privy to the little minute details in my life. these conversations, i think, keep me and my friends from a sheltered existence and also helps us open our minds to things that are out there that we may have never considered.

currently listening to... Ne-Yo, Let's Just Be
is there someone out there for everyone? is everyone destined to find the "one true love of this life"? do people still actively look for the person that they are meant to be with, or do they just go with the flow and hope that fate matches them up? i don't have an opinion either way on this topic, but i am not one to "look". i believe that you can't spend your life searching for something when you have no idea what it is that you are looking for.

currently listening to... The Ting Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go