symptoms of a manic episode...

just as i finished the previous post, i told myself that i would go to bed in a few minutes because even though i do not have to go to work tomorrow, i do have to be awake to let the contractors in around 9:00am, stay with them and then head out in the late afternoon for class.

it is now 3:17am and i am still awake. i have no recall on how i've spent the past 6 hours. just looked back at my browsing history and i've spent a lot of money. A LOT OF MONEY! i guess i intention was to get on Amazon to buy the textbooks i needed for this semester. but i didn't need to buy the video camera, media card, novels/pleasure boks, and makeup. i REALLY DIDN'T NEED THEM. i'm also not tired. at all. my brain is firing on all cylinders and my arms and legs feel restless. it's like i'm that little kid on the playground that cannot play in one section and is all over the place, making it difficult for the caregiver to keep up with them. i should be exhausted, but i'm not. my heart is racing and i feel like my body is overheating. my girlfriend at work did call me "overly chatty" today but we both assumed it was because i haven't seen them in 2 weeks and there was a lot for us to catch up on. now the last 24 hours or so make sense. i was very productive in that i helped organize the office for the new semester and i set up all my coursework for my 3 classes to last me through the first month.

this is what a minor manic state is for me. sometimes i'm so frantic that i cannot focus at all, even for a few minutes, to get anything done. other times, i could probably sit down and write a complete novel without moving at least once. i forget to eat and lose track of time. i organize my stuff, even when it's already organized. i have moved things from where they are and shuffle them around over the course of a few days and usually end up putting them back where they were in the first place. i get very forgetful and lose things a lot. like my cell phone, keys, purse, shoes... i'm a social butterfly, when my "normal" state is reserved and watchful. my body temperature rises and my heart starts to race, constantly. too bad there isn't a medication that is formulated to slow down or stop the development of a manic state like there is for panic/anxiety attacks (Xanax). cuz i would probably have a standing order at the pharmacy. even with daily medications, i still cannot escape these little blips.

this is just a description of what things are usually like. it makes things easier for people to understand what people with this disorder go through if it is explained out and not glossed over. at least i think it does...

i'm coming out...

yup. it's true.

i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II a few years ago. before that, i practically lived my entire life on the cusp of either severe manic or depressive episodes. my family and friends just chalked it up to me being moody, emotional and highly affected by surrounding events. it finally got to the point where the mania and depression would last for days at a time. they would switch back and forth so rapidly that i don't think i had any actual "normal" days anymore. people around me would comment on the mood swings as they were getting worse and i finally decided to step up and get help after having a meltdown at my office. i don't remember what sparked it, but what i do recall is sitting on the floor of the handicapped stall of the women's bathroom and crying uncontrollably.

i started seeing a therapist and after about 3 sessions, she recommended that i see a psychiatrist for further tests. i spent an entire day with him, during which i completed a multitude of tests and sat through many conference calls with my friends and family. as we finished up he finally said what i had been dreading... "you have Bipolar Disorder." i didn't know much about the disorder but i had automatically assumed that it meant that there was something seriously wrong with my brain and that i would have to be on a multitude of medications for the rest of my life and be confined to a facility so i would harm others. he explained that many people with the disorder live normal and sometimes extraordinary lives if they follow their prescribed treatment plans and take steps to minimize any external stressors/agitators.

since i was already taking an anti-depressant, he added in an anti-psychotic and a benzodiazepine for my frequent panic/anxiety attacks. seems like a lot, but the way he saw it was, along with my primary care physician, that my symptoms and individual disorders needed to be treated and that the medication could always be adjusted. they didn't want to run the risk of treating one and having the other throw everything off. it took a few months getting used to the prescriptions, but then everything fell apart... rapidly.

the rest of the story to come on another day. just writing that little bit was truly mentally exhausting.

My Tattoos (from #7 - #1)

left front shoulder (Brooklyn, NY) November 2008

left front ribcage (Sunrise, FL) August 2008

lower right back (Miami, FL) May 2008

upper back (Miami, FL) May 2008

inside right wrist (Ft. Lauderdale, FL) early 2008, re-done w/ UV ink September 2008

inside left wrist (Miami, FL) February 2006 w/UV ink

inside left ankle (Lexington, KY) Spring 2005

since my layout won't show the whole pics, click on them to see them in full.

ask what they are and what they signify and i'll tell ya :)

it's been a while...

Now I'm back to what I knew before you
Somehow the city doesn't look the same
Id give my life for one more night
Of having you here to hold me tight; oh, please
Take me there again.
~Richard Marx, Endless Summer Nights


is there just that "one" person for every person?
are we destined to have just one "true love of our life"?

i always thought that i had walked away from my "once in a lifetime" when i was 19, but it turn out that i had to wait until i was almost 27 to be with the one person that made me feel complete.
i've written about him before. when he kisses me, i felt tingles from head to toe. he made me feel safe and secure. i just knew that he would be there for me and he knew i was there for him. when it all came crashing down... i didn't know what to do, say or how to feel. almost a full year later, i still think about him. still feel the same way. but i am not naive enough to think that we will ever be together again. that doesn't mean that i have stopped caring about him. it's hard for an emotional person like me to just walk away completely. so every man, from now on, will unconsciously be judged by the yardstick of him. i hope that i am strong enough, mentally, to realize if/when the yardstick is not leading my heart in it's true direction.

the two songs quoted, are favorites of mine. whenever they come on, i ing along at the top of my lungs/ they usually bring me to tears, but i listen and groove along anyway. they seemed to fit the topic i chose as my re-entrance to the blog world. let me know how you feel on the subject and on the music.

Whatever it is I do, I try to think about you.
I have a love for you that nothing hides.
Whatever it is I do, I'm only thinking of you.
I hope you look at me through patient eyes.
~PM Dawn, Looking Through Patient Eyes

new tattoo is on the horizon... eventually

as i cross over into a new point in my life, it means that i need to mark it appropriately. have the design, just need to debate placement: behind the ear, on the nape of my neck (just below the hairline), or on the front of my left shoulder. i'll debate it a little more. my mom will prolly kill me, but i'm past living or trying to live up to people's expectations of what i should be doing with my life and my body.

long, hard week ahead...

still haven't unpacked half of my apartment

lots of work to be done at the office. i even have to clean my desk :(

STILL have to unload stuff out of my car

need to focus on getting some restful sleep

no hard liquor this week

need to figure out what i'm getting my sister for her 20th birthday

must prepare myself for my family's long vacation to Guyana without me (i am going to be a mess without my mom)

my big sister is in Panama for the week, so i really have no one to turn to when i have a nutcase moment

...maybe i need to take a vacation...

life updates...

1) haven't bought any new shoes (BIG accomplishment for me!)
2) came close to killing someone; well more than one someone (but that's normal; no big change there)
3) certain parts of my life are STILL out-of-control (working on fixing them)
4) still can't get that certain someone Outta My System (got that song playing a lot) and he doesn't seem to wanna get me out of his either
5) thinking about going back to school full-time (still afraid of that big step)
6) house is finally clean
7) so is the truck

8) may make a weekend trip north to check on my Nae Nae
9) may go to Penn Relays this year
10) got E-money coming into town for Memorial Day (with the possibility of Nae and A-Boogie also)
11) got possession of 3 teenagers (18, and two 16 year olds) for the WEEK of Fourth of July (more on that one later; it deserves it own post)