thoughts...

every week, i go through the same cycling thoughts regarding my return to grad school and the choice i made to study Public Administration. it is a struggle, but one that i am learning to accept and grow from.

every week, i go to my classes and while i am having a tough time in one of them, the other two both encourage and enlighten me while bolstering my spirit.

the soundtrack of my life...

Sade - By Your Side.

over the past few weeks, i have struggled with my decision to return to the classroom as a student. i've dealt with the uneasiness at being a student again, the uncertainty of my future as i spend thousands of dollars and 2 years chasing yet another dream and a lack of confidence in the intelligence and "smarts" it took me years to cultivate.

as i negotiated with my inner-pessimist, helpful advice has floated in from those around me. my co-workers in the SEEK Tutoring Lab (especially Jennifer Ramos), the Academic Counselors that i work closely with and amazing friends like Xiomara Disla... all have played a part in getting and keeping me focused on the task at hand. thanks to everyone for the love and support.

I CAN DO THIS... I WILL DO THIS... I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST DAMNED STUDENT IN MY CLASSES... I WILL SUCCEED!

it is 3:26am...

and i am still awake. got a lot on my mind with this school business. i'm a worrier. in my head, there are so many things going on at once that i can't help but think, "what if...?" i've always been this way. it takes time for my brain to wind down from the get-up-and-go from each day.

i keep saying that time will make grad school easier but i'm beginning to doubt that. it's too much, too soon. i have no idea what it is to be a student anymore. i was so glad to have made it through undergrad without running away and screaming. how could i have possibly thought that i could do grad school? and do one of the hardest majors at my college?

all this, coming from me. i've been told countless times in my life that i am/was smart. i know that i am an intelligent person (no conceit) but maybe i'm just not cut out for the world of classrooms/books/papers/reports/projects anymore. i did struggle in undergrad, but i believe that it was because i got lazy. there were too many things i could focus on outside of the classrooms. now, the laziness has wormed it's way into the very fabric of my soul. it's a hard habit to break. just like my smoking (and, yes i am still working on that).

i need a good night's rest to be able to tackle my homework for next week. i might need a pep talk or two to go along with that. anyone?

venting/ranting/speaking my peace

this blog is personal. it voices an opinion on some shit i'm dealing with currently. it's a situation that will ultimately get worse before it gets better. i need to get this out because who knows, when it comes out and is directed to the person specifically... it may not sound this way.

i tweeted my thoughts, so i'm going to paste them here because that wound is real fresh...

just had a heart to heart with my momma bout my worthless/shifty daddy. the ugly bitch that almost helped break up my parents marriage is back in the picture. bitch shoulda stayed her ass in Guyana. now she's hare taking $ and time away from my family = hell to the muthafuckin naw! and he's spending all his time with her and my half-sister... see i'm worked up now. im bout to give him a piece of my mind soon. how you gon take my whip and go visit this nasty hoe? fuck the bullshit! this is exactly why i won't go see my sister. i'd knock her momma into next year if i came face-to-face with her. whooo LAWD! i'm worked up now. yet another reason to not fuck/date/marry West Indian men. they wanna do what they want, when they wanna do it. marriage vows and kids be damned! i'm finna go the fuck off. he got me fucked up. i might be daddy's little girl but fuck if ima let you shame this family. i've dealt with the shit from before between my parents. beatings and all types of extra shit. i ain't letting my momma go thru that again. make your choice. stay or leave. and when you leave, stay the fuck gone. ain't no returning to the homestead.

yeah. i am upset. yes. i mean every word of it.

Hello Brooklyn...

i had been away from my second home for a lil bit. but i'm back now. i love it just the same. it's the place that helped mold me into the independent woman i am today. the experiences i had here made me the furthest thing from a sucker; at least i think so. coming back home has made me stronger and more focused. i'd like to think that She (Brooklyn) did that but in reality, it has a lot to do with being centered in one spot, having stable surroundings and being back in the bosom of my nutty family.

this video, the lyrics and still scenes of BK, made me bop my head, smile, and at the same time... reminisce about my life and times here.

enjoy.

Jay Z - "Hello Brooklyn" from Greg Solenström on Vimeo.

http://vimeo.com/10089801

University of Miami - inspired manicure

thought about my times at UM recently, and smiled. i miss my boys, even though they are grown men now. spending my Saturdays at the stadium or plum in front of the TV made me happy. so since i had green and orange nail polish, i decided to do something with them.

i used:

1) Gelous Advanced Gel Nail Coat

2) Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Emerald City

3) Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Crushed

4) Milani Nail Art in Art of Gold

5) Seche Vite

how do you like it?

update:

here's the right hand. i switched the color up.

my new shoes, this summer, so far

birthday manicure

so after getting my nail foils in the mail yesterday, i couldn't wait to try them out.

first i had to remove the red/gold EBT mani and getting that glitter off is a bitch! took forever...

so i figured i'd do a black tip (Orly Black Vinyl) and use this foil that is a bluish bronzed mix called, Blue Mottled Gold.

that didn't work out so well. i didn't take any pictures because i was so frustrated at this point. i got the adhesive on there evenly, but getting the foil to stick was not happening.

so i took it off and started over. no polish and a different foil. this one looks like an oil slick on water and it's called, of course, Oil Slick.

the process of applying the foil correctly and taking it off takes practice and patience. i have no patience, so it will take a lot of applications before i get the hang of it. all in all, the look didn't come out too bad. from a distance, they look even and shiny. it's only upon close inspection that you see that some of them are not even, patchy and lumpy.

final product:

i think i'm going to add a couple coats of Northern Lights to bring out the WOW! factor of the colors.

Red and Gold Bands

here is my EBT-Awards inspired manicure (you can blame my homey, Odara, from http://www.gimmethatglow.com for the color combination):

here's what i used:

1) Gelous Advanced Nail Gel Coat

2) Milani Nail Art in Art of Gold

3) Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Red Carpet

4) Bruccu Nail Hardener in Clear

the Gelous base coat is nice and thick. it dries a slight bit tacky so it grips the polish as you apply it. i only had to use 2 coats of the Red Carpet. it has a fair amount of sparkle to it and it paired well with the Gold of Milani. i only had to use one coat for the gold though. i had to use the Brucci because of a mixup with my Seche Vite order. it worked fine. nothing spectacular.

i was a bit lazy though and only did the left hand. i'll do the right tomorrow.

evidence of my madness...

my glitters, holographics and nail treatments

my opaques, brights and solids...

the collection amassed in 1 week...

new addictions...

confession: i have an addictive personality.

i take that to mean that i pick up habits easily and those habits turn into addictions. in turn, some of these addictions have lasted years while others fizzle out in days/weeks/months. throughout the years, i have been addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping (clothes and the like), shoes and now, makeup (specifically nail polish). there are other things (like specific people), but the ones i listed were the most significant.

over the past week, i have become the proud owner of 26 bottles of nail polish. in addition, i have bought countless nail art supplies over eBay. friends and family have all asked jokingly, "are you planning on opening a salon?" and i just laugh.

it started with me getting my nails gone every few weeks, over the past year. time and time again, i go this route to help my nails grow so my midget hands aren't as apparent at first glance. as the tips and crystal powder helped my soft and brittle nails grow, i began to allow my nail technician to experiment with polish colors and designs. now that fever of experimentation has spread to me.

i saw some designs on the internet about nail stamping (the art of using a steel plate, etched with designs) to add pizazz to bland nails and i just had to order one off eBay (waiting on it to come from China). then, i read somewhere about nail foils (which mimic the Minx nail system) and i decided to try it out also. i bought some off eBay, again (waiting for them to come from Britain). i thought, "why pay Karen to add designs to my nails when i can attempt to do it myself and i might actually be good at it."

somewhere in between, i got obsessed with nail polish. i saw bottles everywhere. next think i know, i'm the proud owner of a Sally Beauty Supply Discount Card and 26 bottles of nail polish. they all didn't come from Sally's though. i bought some at CVS, Rite Aid, the dollar store that was on my way to Taco Bell, Claire's, Forever 21 and Fashion to Figure (the new "big girl" store) in the mall near my house.

i haven't gotten the stuff i ordered yet, but when i do... i will be a polishing fiend. trying out something new excites me. eventually i want to soak off my tips and do the whole process over, myself. it's a new undertaking for me, but it's giving me a happy-go-lucky feeling.

"You Put A Move On My Heart"

it's no secret that i love music. good music...

if you are acquainted with me, you know i always have the TV tuned to Music Choice or i'm listening to my iPod or even last.fm and Pandora.

the amazing thing to me about music, is that it takes you places. you drift back to the moment in time when "that particular song" first hit your ears. you remember how it made you feel, listening to the song over and over again. you recall people, places and things associated with "that song".

i have those moments every day. my musical range is eclectic, ranging from Classic R&B/Soul from the 1960s and on, Hip-Hop, Alternative, Punk, Rock and Country. so whenever and wherever GOOD music is playing, i'm grooving along, maybe even singing and dancing... to the beat and the memories in my head.

Tamia's introduction into the mainstream music world came courtesy of Quincy Jones' Q's Jook Joint Compilation. the same album that saw Brandy and Heavy D remake Michael Jackson's iconic "Rock With You", saw the appearance of a young lady from Ontario, Canada. Tamia Hill, née Washington, sang her heart out on, "You Put A Move On My Heart". she wormed her way into my heart with her song about true love and how with it in your corner, nothing is impossible and just how amazing "her love" was.

i was only 14; barely a freshman in high school but i was well on my way down the road when it came to my relationship with music. my dad played his records every Saturday and Sunday and i grew up learning the lyrics to classics. this song... it hit me hard. to me, this song was EVERYTHING i wanted my first love to be like. it was the kind of love that inspired epics: Antony and Cleopatra, Helen of Troy and Paris, Romeo and Juliet... and it made me want to fall headlong into love with anyone. there was no one in particular at that time, but lyrics such as:

"time after time, when i'm feelin low

something inside of me lets me know

it's alright, loves on my side

when the world... seems a lonely place

i've got a dream that won't leave a trace

of the blues

i just think of you..."

made me want to love someone just as much. that was 15 years ago and every time this song comes on... i take a second to envision that perfect love that awaits me in time. i get misty-eyed, imagining how it would feel to love someone so much that your heart feels like it's going to burst. additionally, the thought of love being the definitive factor in overcoming anything, makes me smile.

over the years, i have encountered love. whether it was an affair of my own or those around me... somehow this song has always been at the foreground of my mind. not to say that it made me look down on my romantic partners if they didn't measure up to statements like "...hold me, love me passionately blind, love me 'til the end of time...", but it did make me aware of the possibilities that a particular relationship was not headed in the right direction or giving me "...the warmest glow, heat in the passion that, heaven knows..."

here's to Rod Temperton (writer), Quincy Jones (producer) and Tamia (singer) for executing one of the finest love songs in my time.

Just got set up to blog from the BB! I'm geeked!

loss and it's effects

a friend of mine from college, who i failed to keep in contact with, was killed on Friday night in Southern New Jersey. she was shot, point-blank range, in front of her apartment door.

even though we didn't stay in touch, her death still stings. she was a beautiful person, inside and out. it doesn't hurt as much as it would have 5 years ago, but being faced with the mortality of people in your age group makes my heart ache. so many times in college, we discussed growing older and what the future held for us. she had so many plans for her future and was possibly the most excited at the prospect of having a family of her own. now that ideal will never be realized. i do not know who was responsible for her death, but what i do know is that i wish that person an eternity in hell for taking her from this Earth.

the main thing that i have learned from Gina's death is that i need to keep my friends close. over the past few years, i have drifted away from my best friend in the world. we used to be each other's life and we both let new experiences, people and situations come between us. when we last saw each other, it was a awkward weekend. we are both different people than we were at age 22. it seems as if we switched personalities. she's the outgoing one and i'm the reserved one. in a brief discussion last night, we reaffirmed our mutual dedication to each other and promised to progress in our friendship and familial bond, as adults.

to do that, i acknowledge that i need to keep in contact with my friends and loved ones. i cannot afford to wall myself off from the people in my life. further, this means that i need to go back and re-evaluate my friendships. those that i cherished in the past... i must find a way to approach them and welcome them into my life again.

this will be a long process, but it is one that i am willing to undertake.