symptoms of a manic episode...

just as i finished the previous post, i told myself that i would go to bed in a few minutes because even though i do not have to go to work tomorrow, i do have to be awake to let the contractors in around 9:00am, stay with them and then head out in the late afternoon for class.

it is now 3:17am and i am still awake. i have no recall on how i've spent the past 6 hours. just looked back at my browsing history and i've spent a lot of money. A LOT OF MONEY! i guess i intention was to get on Amazon to buy the textbooks i needed for this semester. but i didn't need to buy the video camera, media card, novels/pleasure boks, and makeup. i REALLY DIDN'T NEED THEM. i'm also not tired. at all. my brain is firing on all cylinders and my arms and legs feel restless. it's like i'm that little kid on the playground that cannot play in one section and is all over the place, making it difficult for the caregiver to keep up with them. i should be exhausted, but i'm not. my heart is racing and i feel like my body is overheating. my girlfriend at work did call me "overly chatty" today but we both assumed it was because i haven't seen them in 2 weeks and there was a lot for us to catch up on. now the last 24 hours or so make sense. i was very productive in that i helped organize the office for the new semester and i set up all my coursework for my 3 classes to last me through the first month.

this is what a minor manic state is for me. sometimes i'm so frantic that i cannot focus at all, even for a few minutes, to get anything done. other times, i could probably sit down and write a complete novel without moving at least once. i forget to eat and lose track of time. i organize my stuff, even when it's already organized. i have moved things from where they are and shuffle them around over the course of a few days and usually end up putting them back where they were in the first place. i get very forgetful and lose things a lot. like my cell phone, keys, purse, shoes... i'm a social butterfly, when my "normal" state is reserved and watchful. my body temperature rises and my heart starts to race, constantly. too bad there isn't a medication that is formulated to slow down or stop the development of a manic state like there is for panic/anxiety attacks (Xanax). cuz i would probably have a standing order at the pharmacy. even with daily medications, i still cannot escape these little blips.

this is just a description of what things are usually like. it makes things easier for people to understand what people with this disorder go through if it is explained out and not glossed over. at least i think it does...

i'm coming out...

yup. it's true.

i was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II a few years ago. before that, i practically lived my entire life on the cusp of either severe manic or depressive episodes. my family and friends just chalked it up to me being moody, emotional and highly affected by surrounding events. it finally got to the point where the mania and depression would last for days at a time. they would switch back and forth so rapidly that i don't think i had any actual "normal" days anymore. people around me would comment on the mood swings as they were getting worse and i finally decided to step up and get help after having a meltdown at my office. i don't remember what sparked it, but what i do recall is sitting on the floor of the handicapped stall of the women's bathroom and crying uncontrollably.

i started seeing a therapist and after about 3 sessions, she recommended that i see a psychiatrist for further tests. i spent an entire day with him, during which i completed a multitude of tests and sat through many conference calls with my friends and family. as we finished up he finally said what i had been dreading... "you have Bipolar Disorder." i didn't know much about the disorder but i had automatically assumed that it meant that there was something seriously wrong with my brain and that i would have to be on a multitude of medications for the rest of my life and be confined to a facility so i would harm others. he explained that many people with the disorder live normal and sometimes extraordinary lives if they follow their prescribed treatment plans and take steps to minimize any external stressors/agitators.

since i was already taking an anti-depressant, he added in an anti-psychotic and a benzodiazepine for my frequent panic/anxiety attacks. seems like a lot, but the way he saw it was, along with my primary care physician, that my symptoms and individual disorders needed to be treated and that the medication could always be adjusted. they didn't want to run the risk of treating one and having the other throw everything off. it took a few months getting used to the prescriptions, but then everything fell apart... rapidly.

the rest of the story to come on another day. just writing that little bit was truly mentally exhausting.

thoughts...

every week, i go through the same cycling thoughts regarding my return to grad school and the choice i made to study Public Administration. it is a struggle, but one that i am learning to accept and grow from.

every week, i go to my classes and while i am having a tough time in one of them, the other two both encourage and enlighten me while bolstering my spirit.

the soundtrack of my life...

Sade - By Your Side.

over the past few weeks, i have struggled with my decision to return to the classroom as a student. i've dealt with the uneasiness at being a student again, the uncertainty of my future as i spend thousands of dollars and 2 years chasing yet another dream and a lack of confidence in the intelligence and "smarts" it took me years to cultivate.

as i negotiated with my inner-pessimist, helpful advice has floated in from those around me. my co-workers in the SEEK Tutoring Lab (especially Jennifer Ramos), the Academic Counselors that i work closely with and amazing friends like Xiomara Disla... all have played a part in getting and keeping me focused on the task at hand. thanks to everyone for the love and support.

I CAN DO THIS... I WILL DO THIS... I AM GOING TO BE THE BEST DAMNED STUDENT IN MY CLASSES... I WILL SUCCEED!

it is 3:26am...

and i am still awake. got a lot on my mind with this school business. i'm a worrier. in my head, there are so many things going on at once that i can't help but think, "what if...?" i've always been this way. it takes time for my brain to wind down from the get-up-and-go from each day.

i keep saying that time will make grad school easier but i'm beginning to doubt that. it's too much, too soon. i have no idea what it is to be a student anymore. i was so glad to have made it through undergrad without running away and screaming. how could i have possibly thought that i could do grad school? and do one of the hardest majors at my college?

all this, coming from me. i've been told countless times in my life that i am/was smart. i know that i am an intelligent person (no conceit) but maybe i'm just not cut out for the world of classrooms/books/papers/reports/projects anymore. i did struggle in undergrad, but i believe that it was because i got lazy. there were too many things i could focus on outside of the classrooms. now, the laziness has wormed it's way into the very fabric of my soul. it's a hard habit to break. just like my smoking (and, yes i am still working on that).

i need a good night's rest to be able to tackle my homework for next week. i might need a pep talk or two to go along with that. anyone?

venting/ranting/speaking my peace

this blog is personal. it voices an opinion on some shit i'm dealing with currently. it's a situation that will ultimately get worse before it gets better. i need to get this out because who knows, when it comes out and is directed to the person specifically... it may not sound this way.

i tweeted my thoughts, so i'm going to paste them here because that wound is real fresh...

just had a heart to heart with my momma bout my worthless/shifty daddy. the ugly bitch that almost helped break up my parents marriage is back in the picture. bitch shoulda stayed her ass in Guyana. now she's hare taking $ and time away from my family = hell to the muthafuckin naw! and he's spending all his time with her and my half-sister... see i'm worked up now. im bout to give him a piece of my mind soon. how you gon take my whip and go visit this nasty hoe? fuck the bullshit! this is exactly why i won't go see my sister. i'd knock her momma into next year if i came face-to-face with her. whooo LAWD! i'm worked up now. yet another reason to not fuck/date/marry West Indian men. they wanna do what they want, when they wanna do it. marriage vows and kids be damned! i'm finna go the fuck off. he got me fucked up. i might be daddy's little girl but fuck if ima let you shame this family. i've dealt with the shit from before between my parents. beatings and all types of extra shit. i ain't letting my momma go thru that again. make your choice. stay or leave. and when you leave, stay the fuck gone. ain't no returning to the homestead.

yeah. i am upset. yes. i mean every word of it.

Hello Brooklyn...

i had been away from my second home for a lil bit. but i'm back now. i love it just the same. it's the place that helped mold me into the independent woman i am today. the experiences i had here made me the furthest thing from a sucker; at least i think so. coming back home has made me stronger and more focused. i'd like to think that She (Brooklyn) did that but in reality, it has a lot to do with being centered in one spot, having stable surroundings and being back in the bosom of my nutty family.

this video, the lyrics and still scenes of BK, made me bop my head, smile, and at the same time... reminisce about my life and times here.

enjoy.

Jay Z - "Hello Brooklyn" from Greg Solenström on Vimeo.

http://vimeo.com/10089801

University of Miami - inspired manicure

thought about my times at UM recently, and smiled. i miss my boys, even though they are grown men now. spending my Saturdays at the stadium or plum in front of the TV made me happy. so since i had green and orange nail polish, i decided to do something with them.

i used:

1) Gelous Advanced Gel Nail Coat

2) Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Emerald City

3) Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear in Crushed

4) Milani Nail Art in Art of Gold

5) Seche Vite

how do you like it?

update:

here's the right hand. i switched the color up.

my new shoes, this summer, so far

birthday manicure

so after getting my nail foils in the mail yesterday, i couldn't wait to try them out.

first i had to remove the red/gold EBT mani and getting that glitter off is a bitch! took forever...

so i figured i'd do a black tip (Orly Black Vinyl) and use this foil that is a bluish bronzed mix called, Blue Mottled Gold.

that didn't work out so well. i didn't take any pictures because i was so frustrated at this point. i got the adhesive on there evenly, but getting the foil to stick was not happening.

so i took it off and started over. no polish and a different foil. this one looks like an oil slick on water and it's called, of course, Oil Slick.

the process of applying the foil correctly and taking it off takes practice and patience. i have no patience, so it will take a lot of applications before i get the hang of it. all in all, the look didn't come out too bad. from a distance, they look even and shiny. it's only upon close inspection that you see that some of them are not even, patchy and lumpy.

final product:

i think i'm going to add a couple coats of Northern Lights to bring out the WOW! factor of the colors.