I've been listening to the Keith Sweat radio show a lot recently, and The Sweat Hotel's Confession Hour and The Apology Hour last night, got me to thinking. I do need to get somethings off my chest but calling into a nationally-syndicated radio show just isn't the thing for me to do.
My confession is that I want another woman's man. They weren't together when we hooked up and got to know each other better. But as everyone knows, well everyone who is privy to the situation, he went back to her for various reasons. For sometime, I thought that I had done something to chase him back to a situation he did not enjoy being in, but a conversation we had, changed all that. He just made the best choice for him or he did what he thought was best. I am not going to lie, I was hurt. I was fresh out of a long term relationship when I hooked up with him so being left alone, just felt like yet another roadblock to happiness. Seeing him, hurts. Watching him smile and laugh...takes me back to when things were fun and simple. There was a point where we had the talk...you know the one where I say that, “I don't care what you have going on, I'm here if you need me... for anything”. Yes, I offered myself up on a platter. I wasn't ashamed at the time, but seemingly being rejected does funny things to your mind. I've never been rejected before. I always get what I want and yes I know that there is a first time for everything, but I never expected to see open longing in a man's face and have him push those feelings aside. Do I still want him? The answer is unequivocally, yes. I care about him, the person, so much. I worry about him and I wonder what he's doing when I am not near him. Maybe this is something that I will eventually get over, but right now, it doesn't feel that way. It's eating me away on the inside that I felt the kind of happiness that people talk about, for such a short time, and it slipped out of my grasp so suddenly.
The apology, well that is a little bit more difficult. I apologize to him for doing everything possible to bring him back to me. I apologize for testing his relationship and his commitment. Most of all, I apologize to myself for behaving in a manner that is unbecoming of a lady (which I am trying my best to be). I acted like a street rat who didn't care about anyone but herself and conveniently ignored the feelings and thoughts of the other people involved. I behaved in a manner that I despise in other women and it is unacceptable. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that if he had relented, I would have been the catalyst in causing another person pain and suffering.
I resolve to let go. Let go of him, my feelings and any thoughts of us having a future together. I need some time to myself; to re-evaluate what I want out of this life. I need to get myself on the right track and hopefully by bringing my mistakes to light, I have taken the correct first steps.
2 comments:
Ah, my little troublemaker! I feel everything you said right now. I thought maybe you were reading a page of my diary or something! But as a woman who is a couple of years older than you...I'll tell you that more of us supposedly non-trifling women who turn our nose up at "hood chicks", have good educations and an extensive lexicon, end up in this situation more than you would think. Sometimes we do claim casualties of war that we would not do under normal circumstances. We become women we can't recognize, because we don't know how to react in situations where we don't triumph and prosper. We've been spoiled. Don't beat yourself up about what you may or may not have caused someone else. Just confess it, make a choice to be a better woman, and LET IT GO!!!! Hope your soul is a bit lighter. Unload that burden. But know that it takes time.
Sincerely...MJ
Oh Lawd why do I feel like I am reading my life story stroke by stroke. You are definitely not alone and the poster above hit it smack on the nose. I am still in the 'he is such a caring person' mode and I know I have to stop. It will take time I suppose.
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