where my mind is at now...

so i've slowly been vetting all the negativity (people and situations) out of my life. this includes other people's problems and those folk that make me uncomfortable or just not happy on a consistent basis. results? i feel a whole lot better. i guess years of absorbing other peoples' shit finally got to me and i snapped. when i say snapped, i mean nervous breakdown territory. crying, shaking, ranting and raving! now, i'm calmer, a lil bit more focused and taking care of me. i made a resolution to myself to only look out for those who look out for me. so a lot of people got left to the wayside, and that includes family.

i realized that when you are truly down at the bottom of the barrel, the ones that step up are the ones you can count on and those are the ones who DESERVE to be a part of your life. those who you have to continuously give second and umpteenth chances to... they need to step to the back of the line. some people may think that my actions are drastic, but honestly i don't fucking care.

not many people knew the depth of the issues i was going through. i had financial issues, safety issues, and family issues. i was at a point where i seriously considered taking my own life. but my mom's face was always in the front of my mind and i couldn't bare saddling her with the fact that she outlived her oldest child. that is honestly the only reason i never followed through with the thoughts i was considering.

now i could care less what people think of me and my actions. i'm finally focusing on me and the things that matter to me. now my only obstacle is letting go of the grief that has been in my heart for about 24 years and has been building since then. i am not one to show emotions publicly and i tend to box everything up and push it to the back of my head somewhere. it will be a process, but it's one that i am anticipating. it's a challenge that will make me a stronger person, mentally. it will also help me to open my heart again, totally.