i haven't been blogging, or as i tell myself... letting shit go! i have been through hell and back and pretty much did the repeat thing over the last 6 months with the last 2 being the worst. now that i am at rock-bottom, i am trying to build myself back up again.
only one little problem... i'm still not healthy enough to tackle the world :( lungs still not 100%, pressure wants to be acting all stupid and of course the ensuing migraines are kicking my ass. i keep promising myself that one day i will have all parts functioning and my brain will be firing on all cylinders, but it's a struggle now and will continue to be one for a little while.
right now, my life consists of: waking up, making my Cafe Bustelo, reading, napping, eating, and more napping and reading. i am occasionally enjoying my Christmas present (my brand new 32 inch flat screen HDTV) and since my old reliable fizzled out back in early October, it's a simple pleasure, but it is one that makes my face light up with JOY!
i made a promise to myself for 2009 (no resolutions here) to take nothing for granted. i have been asthma-free for so long that when i was robbed of the simple act of taking a breath and having it fill my lungs, i almost died because i had no clue on how to react anymore. i took breathing for granted! spent 4 "lovely" days cooped up in the hospital, while accumulating a hefty bill (private Catholic hospital) and that's when i realized that i am not where i wanted/expected/needed to be at this point in my life. i don't feel like i have accomplished anything or made enough strides in this life of mine. i have been on this earth for just over a quarter of a century, and sometimes i find myself thinking that i have wasted all these years.
i grew up with expectations heaped upon my shoulders (silently and subliminally) but they were there. i know that all my parents want me to be is happy and a well-adjusted adult, but i can't help the sneaky thoughts from creeping into my consciousness sometimes. the thought that i have failed the most important people in my life, is overwhelming but most of the times, i can make it disappear into the blackness.
it is the times that i can't make the thoughts go away that scares me. in my moments of frailty, i can see myself doing something drastic and stupid. and that is what i fear the most. that probably led to the second promise that i made to myself: live my life, do what makes me happy, but most of all...do something valuable with my life.
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