Wednesday, July 30, 2008

so i've been off my meds for about a week...

and i've been having the most random thoughts spill into my mind.

-why do people sing out-loud when they know that their voice really SUCKS? and yet still... they keep subjecting us (their unsuspecting audience, at work no less) to their vocal stylings. I have no damned control over what i say or do sometimes, so i'm trying my damnedest to not tell this chick to STFU! and just be the fuck quiet!

-why does a cold pickle taste so good after eating a patty melt? i may be a bit on the funky breath side, but who the fuck am i kissing, honestly?

-why do people choose to drive on I95, after 9:00pm with their freaking lights off? and then honk and cuss at you when you make every manuever possible to get in front of said idiot so that they won't KILL you on the highway?

-i'm so tempted to eat this little itty bitty carton of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream KNOWING that I am lactose intolerant. but fuck it, i'm gonna do it anyway. if i puke, i can hold it til i get home.

-sometimes i really feel like bringing a handgun to work for all the people who piss me off. i won't shoot anyone, but i would take extreme pleasure in pointing to them with it and cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West.

-my cousins are all going to be in Toronto this weekend, enjoying Caribana without me :( my fault, for being an intellectual midget and not taking care of business, but there will be lots of pictures to make me laugh this weekend.

-today is Wednesday and I feel like the Snoopy on my Typical Work Week Calendar. He is layin down on his stomach and begging to just let him die with a HUGE thunder cloud over him with lightning bolts coming out.

-i really don't like children. unless they are well behaved with only minimal bouts of madness and tantrums. if they are monstrous brats all the times, i feel like hanging them upside down by their ankles over a 10 story balcony and shaking the shit out of them.

i realize that most of these thoughts may be a bit violent and i can only preface that by saying that i have been remiss with keeping up with my drug doses and hopefully by tomorrow, i'll be on more solid ground, hopefully.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Confession and Apology

I've been listening to the Keith Sweat radio show a lot recently, and The Sweat Hotel's Confession Hour and The Apology Hour last night, got me to thinking. I do need to get somethings off my chest but calling into a nationally-syndicated radio show just isn't the thing for me to do.

My confession is that I want another woman's man. They weren't together when we hooked up and got to know each other better. But as everyone knows, well everyone who is privy to the situation, he went back to her for various reasons. For sometime, I thought that I had done something to chase him back to a situation he did not enjoy being in, but a conversation we had, changed all that. He just made the best choice for him or he did what he thought was best. I am not going to lie, I was hurt. I was fresh out of a long term relationship when I hooked up with him so being left alone, just felt like yet another roadblock to happiness. Seeing him, hurts. Watching him smile and laugh...takes me back to when things were fun and simple. There was a point where we had the talk...you know the one where I say that, “I don't care what you have going on, I'm here if you need me... for anything”. Yes, I offered myself up on a platter. I wasn't ashamed at the time, but seemingly being rejected does funny things to your mind. I've never been rejected before. I always get what I want and yes I know that there is a first time for everything, but I never expected to see open longing in a man's face and have him push those feelings aside. Do I still want him? The answer is unequivocally, yes. I care about him, the person, so much. I worry about him and I wonder what he's doing when I am not near him. Maybe this is something that I will eventually get over, but right now, it doesn't feel that way. It's eating me away on the inside that I felt the kind of happiness that people talk about, for such a short time, and it slipped out of my grasp so suddenly.

The apology, well that is a little bit more difficult. I apologize to him for doing everything possible to bring him back to me. I apologize for testing his relationship and his commitment. Most of all, I apologize to myself for behaving in a manner that is unbecoming of a lady (which I am trying my best to be). I acted like a street rat who didn't care about anyone but herself and conveniently ignored the feelings and thoughts of the other people involved. I behaved in a manner that I despise in other women and it is unacceptable. I feel sick to my stomach knowing that if he had relented, I would have been the catalyst in causing another person pain and suffering.

I resolve to let go. Let go of him, my feelings and any thoughts of us having a future together. I need some time to myself; to re-evaluate what I want out of this life. I need to get myself on the right track and hopefully by bringing my mistakes to light, I have taken the correct first steps.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

thoughts

yo i really can't get this dude off my mind. i think about him all the time. it's captivating how much i care about him, considering i couldn't stand him when we first met. but in the time we spent together, i got to know him, i felt a connection. it's like i know what he's gonna do/say/think before he does. but of course, anything that i want in this life... i can't have. he's got BM issues and me... well i can't deal with that shit again. my mind of course, the logical part of me, says to just leave it alone. but my heart is saying the opposite. i let him know that i'm thinking about him and that i still want him, but he has to handle his issues. i'm trying to avoid being that hood bitch who gets in the middle of anyone's family situation. but the attraction is there. i'm not saying he's the man of my dreams, but i haven't felt this infatuated with anyone in a very long time, prolly since my first real boyfriend, so it's hitting me real hard right now.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Music I'm currently into... for now

Music is a way of life for me. What I am listening to, dictates how I'm feeling. These are my current favorites:


Tessanne Chin "Hideaway"


Duffy "Mercy"


Adele "Cold Shoulder"


Cherish "Amnesia"

Breath of Fresh Air!

his young lady, Jazmine Sullivan, has been captivating audiences lately with her sultry voice. I fell into her a couple of years ago when she remade Victoria Beckham's soung "Resentment". she made me cry listening to her talk about being betrayed (the original wasn't bad either, and neither was Beyoncé's remake), but Jazzy's version was hot to def!

Check out the first single off her debut album, due later this year. I believe it's called "Fearless"

Jazmine Sullivan "Need U Bad"

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I blame you, Savvy!

thanks to my Thick-Blog-Partner-in-Crime, http://savvyfatty.blogspot.com/

01:What's a fact about the last person who texted you? Pain In My Ass!

02: Its 4 in the morning, and your phone rings.....and? i'm either gon get up and cuss a muthafucka out, or ignore the phone completely

03: What is your favorite thing to eat? chocolate ;)

04: Where was your default picture taken? on the Beach

05: Do u watch The Hills? WTH for?

06: What do you hear right now? typing and the A/C humming

07: What do you think your number 1 is doing right now? at work, tryna not choke a bitch

08: What’s your favorite thing to have on your bed? ohhhh, personal questions... nah buddy, ya ain't getting me on that one

09: Who would be the first person to know if you got pregnant? prolly the daddy; and he would know with a slap upside the head

10: What's the last thing you ate? Zapp's Spicy Creole Tomato chips

11: Can you sleep in jeans? hell naw

12: What is something you just don’t understand? how people can't read and write at the age of 30+

13: Where were you on July 4th, 2007? i honestly can't remember. i was drunk somewhere

14: Who was the last person you were in a car with? Sim

15: Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? of course, always

16: Do you care what others think about you? naw! i don't give a fuck!

17: Do you think you'll be married in 10 years? if i find a man i don't wanna kill after a couple of months, maybe

18: Did you have a good day? it is, simply becasue it's almost over! thank Gawd for holiday weekends

19: What do you look forward to in the next 3 months? new apartment, new man... hopefully

20: How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? not a muthafuckin one!

21: What was the last thing you laughed really hard about? that "I love you this much" photo withthe kid with no arms

22: When was the last time you got flowers? does my prom corsage count? if yes, then eons ago

23: Do you plan on moving in the next year? yes! i'm tired of these hood ass bastards

24: Do you like winter? fuck no! that's why i love the MIA

25: Do you regret anything? never!

26: Do you enjoy late night phone conversations? nah, i like my seleep and other nocturnal activities

27: Do you like to cuddle? only when it leads to nocturnal activities

28: Honestly, what's on your mind right now? bills, alcohol, dick (and any other related thoughts)

29: Honestly, how many people have you really liked in the past year? 2

30: Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? prolly, but i don't give two shits

31: How late did you stay up last night? late, so late that i got to work after 9

32: Ever met a real life prostitute? does the hoe for the college football team count? if so, then yes

33: Are you going to grow apart from someone close? already have. he got so pissed that he moved away. hah!

34: Has anyone ever seen you in your underwear? plenty of people. i have a problem with clothing and i'm not ashamed of my roundness

35: Honestly, how many people have you completely fallen for? i have no idea... maybe 5

36: Happy most of the time? used to be. recently, i'm like "fuck the world"

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

me and these damned Surveys...

i swear i'm like a damned little kid with this shit!

i snagged this from : http://kalibaybay.blogspot.com/2008_05_01_archive.html

This is even more information about your Troublemaker Supreme :)

What time did you get up this morning? 10:00am

Diamonds or pearls? diaminds are a girl's best friend (and one of the best skrip clubs in SoFla!)

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Wanted (shit was ker-azy!)

What is your favorite TV show?? i'm a sucker for murder/law enforcement shows (CSI, NCIS< Criminal Minds)

What do you usually have for breakfast?? does coffee count?

What is your middle name?? Alexis (i know, very white-girl ish)

What food do you dislike? vegetables

What is your favorite CD at the moment?? i have played out Lloyd's Street Love

What kind of car do you drive?? Nissan Altima

Favorite sandwich? a big fat juicy hamburger, does that count?

What characteristic do you despise? jealousy in bitches :)

Favorite item of clothing? my Old Navy nightgown, perfect for those late night smoke breaks on the patio

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?? anywhere where my family is, and the place better have somewhere i can escape to when they start to piss me off (like a bar)

What color is your bathroom? off white

Favorite brand of clothing? Nine West (for my shoes, of course)

Where would you retire to? ima prolly be one of those old biddies puttering around SB in a Buick

What was your most recent memorable birthday? damn, don't think i've had one of those recently. i think when i turned 22 i just got pissy drunk and went home with my BF at the time

Favorite sport to watch?? football

Person you expect to send it back first?? this is a blog dammit!

Favorite saying?? "i need a drink!"

When is your birthday?? June 30 (Cancer baybee!)

Are you a morning person or a night person? listen, i don't wake up until about 10:00am most days, so u can pretty much guess that i hate the early part of the day

What is your shoe size??? 6, i have midget feet

Pets?? hell to the naw! wait, does my ex-BF count?

Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? don't think so

What did you want to be when you were little? a laywer. i like to argue

How are you today?? cranky cuz i waited too long to have a cigarette and drink my coffee

What is your favorite candy? anything chocolate ;)

What is your favorite flower?? white roses and orchids

What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to?? Christmas! i'm a big kid

What is your full name?? you have my middle name, that is enough

What are you listening to right now?? noise in the background

What was the last thing you ate? choclate covered expresso beans

Do you wish on stars?? naw, i live in the hood, we don't see those

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?? royal blue

How is the weather right now? beautifully warm

Favorite soft drink?? orange soda

Favorite restaurant?? Latin America Cafe

Hair color? reddish brown, at the moment

Siblings? yes, a munchkin

Favorite day of the year? Christmas

What was your favorite toy as a child?? i had a teddy bear who looked just likt the Snuggle bear

Summer or winter? summer

Hugs or kisses? both

Coffee or tea??Coffee

Chocolate or Vanilla?? Soy Dream Grean Tea Chai

Do you want your friends to email you back? this is a blog, people

When was the last time you cried?? last night

What is under your bed?? mind your own beeswax

Who is the friend you have had the longest?? HillyBean or Nae

What did you do last night? watched the Real World Hollywood

Favorite smell? chcolate

What are you afraid of? snakes and spiders

Salty or sweet? sweet

How many keys on your key ring?? 4

How many years at your current job? 1.5

Favorite day of the week?? Sunday

How many towns have you lived in? a shitload

Do you make friends easily? yes, but the trick is not letting shit get to you and just cutting folks off to keep your sanity!