had a knock down drag out tonight (well via phone). if i mis-spell anything, i'll blame it on the alcohol and the fact that i don't have automatic spell check activated on Blogger.
my brain and heart hurts. trying to explain the person i am and the way that i am to someone who spent enough time around me to know, is difficult. if someone i care about asks me to do something, i do it... to the letter. you say leave you alone, without specifications, i'll do that. it may hurt, yes, but i will do it. in my drunken madness, i may slip (like i did tonight). i am still human. but honestly, it hurts that you won't even look at me. i don't have an attitrude with you. if u want to see attitude, look at how i treated our former boss when i found out that she betrayed me. that is a true Torublemaker Attitude. i have done everything short of dropping to the floor in front of you and giving you my future first born, to show that i care about you and what you are going through. i want things to be how they were when we were both comfortable with each other.
right now, yes, i am drunk. but i speak the honest to God truth when i have a few+ drinks in my system. i miss your easy laughter at the words that come out of my mouth and my antics. i miss the way we were together, easy and comfortable. i miss how we could look at each other and know what each other was thinking. now... you won't even look at me. i know that one thing i said earlier, but i mean it. like i also said, if i was throwing you attidude, it is not what it seemed to be. being censored and punished at work is something that i have to deal with on my own. being in debt, and having my mom cuss me out on an everyday basis weeks, is also something that i have to deal with on my own. i have no one, for me to lean my head on their shoulder, and count on for support. so i have been handling, finsding an apartment, moving, and taking a "L" in personality, at work, on my own. i shouldn't have to explain all of this to anyone, but i feel this situation deserves an explantion or some background information. i feel you deserve that much. like i told you, i know that my troubles don't compare to yours. not even trying to equate the two. but i am still the same person i always have been i just have shit on my mind, while before the worst i had to deal with was a stalker ex-boyfriend.
i never meant to hurt you in anyway. i think i have told you this many times. i withdraw into myself when i am working something out in my head and i have no one to turn to. i don't have my 3 best friends here and they get so busy that sometimes i can't talk to them for a month or so. i don't have my mom or any other family i can run to for comfort. for a long time, i had my ex. he was my rock of a shoulder. then i had to let him go and i now i have no one.
then i fell into you. or found you, whatever you want to call it. you understood. we were there for each other. then, in a flash, you were gone. and i didn't have that hidden strength anymore. like i tell those close to me, as if they didn't already know; i am not a strong person. i am strong when it comes to other people when they need me. but when it comes to myself, i am the complete opposite. i am emotional and sometimes,a wreck.
it is hard to reconcile the two parts of me. i stopped trying years ago. now, i just want to live to survive the current day and maybe see the next. all this stress and frustration makes me doubt myself and the person that i am.
right now, this is only a portion of what i need to get off my chest. but as my friend E would say, "at least some of it is gone and forgotten".
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